


Puraido

by shifter_goddess



Category: Naruto
Genre: (sorry), BAMF Sakura, Bad Sex, Dai-nana-han | Team 7 (Naruto)-centric, Humor, Multi, No Sex, Sexual Humor, Threesome - F/M/M, and sakura is tired of bad sex, or rather the boys are bad at sex, sex mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-02
Updated: 2015-03-02
Packaged: 2018-03-16 00:10:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3467201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shifter_goddess/pseuds/shifter_goddess
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sakura and the boys have had a fight, early in their relationship. Kakashi counsel her on it, and Sakura explains her issues to the boys in a fashion they're sure to understand.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Puraido

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by Two Guys, No Satisfaction (No Fair) - song by Lily Allen, vid by kesidiii.

"So. You've spent the last three nights sleeping in your own apartment. Any particular reason, Sakura?" Kakashi asks as he sits next to her, picking up her cup of tea like it belonged to him.

Sakura sighs, waves at the waitress for another one, and pins her old teacher with a mild glare. It was good tea. "It's my apartment," She counters, taking her new cup from the waitress easily, "Why shouldn't I be sleeping in it?"

He regards her with his good eye with the same kind of look he gave them when they skipped out on laps, or washing their clothes, or tried to sneak out of the hospital. "Because I know your dirty little secret, Haruno, don't think your old sensei doesn't keep his ear to the ground just for you."

She snorts; unladylike, but why waste manners on Kakashi? He never cared one way of the other. "Yeah, right, you just keep an ear out for _me_? What about Naruto? Or Sasuke?"

"I keep an ear out for them, too, of course. As if I would neglect any of my favorite former students!" He acts affronted; she almost giggles.

"So, what, you have three ears?"

His eye crinkles, the crinkle that says he's amused but not fooled. "Yep. It's one of my best-hidden secrets." He puts the cup on the table - half-empty, even though he hasn't moved his mask, and she wonders again how many of those he must have to wash - and then Kakashi turns towards her another five degrees, and she can sense he's being slightly more serious than usual. "Spill, Sakura."

She sighs, slumping slightly. Sakura sips at her tea, wonders how much time to escape it would give her if she broke it against the table, stabbed her sensei in the shoulder with the biggest shard, and then ran away. Knowing him, about three seconds. Eventually she decides against it, or any of the other four methods she was imagining. Eventually, Sakura sighs again, and tilts her head to stare at the plain table.

"Okay, okay. I'll tell you. But for the love of the gods, keep it between us, or I'll make sure your next stitches hurt like hell, understand?"

He nods, as unfazed by her threat as he is by any other threat. Oh well. She's pretty sure he'll keep quiet about it anyway.

"Sasuke and Naruto are _horrible_ in bed."

He spits tea everywhere, and Sakura jump back. Kakashi is laughing so hard she can see people from down the street turning to look. He's actually turning a little pink in the face from laughing so hard, and Sakura is about to get concerned about his need for _air_ when he trails off, giggling slightly.

"Of all the things to - didn't Jiraiaya teach him _anything_?" He asks, finally, waving away the alarmed-looking waitress.

'Apparently not." Sakura quips, dryly, mopping up the tea as best she can.

"Well, why don't you just make them sleep on the couch?" Kakashi asks. "Or give them - pointers. Hints."

"They don't need hints." Sakura says, weary. "They need a _map_." She sips at her tea, glaring at the few people who are still watching she and Kakashi; they go scurrying. "And the couch won't fit two people. If I kick only one of them out, the other one still tries. And fails. Miserably. So!" She gestures sharply with her hand, wrist out. "I kicked myself out."

"At least that way you get a bed to yourself." Kakashi sound sympathetic, but she can hear the faint shock underlying his causality. Sakura smirks.

"And orgasms."

She takes his horrified, blanching face as revenge for stealing her tea.

\--------------------

Shino tilted his head at Sakura as she strode down the street. Kiba blinked and rolled over; the rooftops were the best place to sun yourself in Konoha; all the nin of Hidden Leaf knew that. They also offered a spectacular view into most dramas; this looked like a good one. Sasuke and Naruto looked relieved - strange, Haruno hadn't been out on any missions in the past few days - and perhaps, was that fear on their faces? Well, she could be terrifying; he didn't think less of them for that.

He missed the first few lines of conversation, but they were easy enough to guess; with Naruto waving a weak hello, and Sasuke grunting his version of the same, Sakura seemed to jab her finger at both of them, and the whole thing escalated from there.

"-- suke! You're just as bad! Don't smirk like that!"

"Shit. They better not destroy half the fish market again. Mom had a cow last time she couldn't get fish." Kiba noted.  
Shino hmmed.

"-- AND DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG I SPENT GIVING YOU HEAD? I'LL TELL YOU --"

Kiba seemed more interested, now. Figured. Shino calculated the wiseness of running versus the knowledge of a first-hand account of something that was shaping up to be Incredibly Juicy Gossip. "Ooh, they have a love triangle? Oh, Ino's gonna be so pissed, I bet her Sakura'd steal Duck Butt from her, ha!" Cheered Kiba.  
Shino hmmed.

" - I WILL DRAW YOU A MAP TO MY G-SPOT, GODDAMNIT, BUT IF YOU LOOKED AT IT HALF AS MUCH AS YOU DO EACH OTHERS' ASSES I WOULDN'T HAVE TO -"

The dog-using nin whistled, eyes widening. Shino sat up, now interested despite himself. A menage a trois? This _was_ interesting. Sakura had certainly caught herself two of the most aesthetically pleasing men in the village. Shin took a moment to helpfully whack Kiba on the back, as he seemed to be choking. Possibly from shock. Possibly from laughter.

They both leaned back as two ninja-shaped blurs swept past them. For a blink of an eye, Shino caught sight of an image that would stay with him til his dying day: Naruto Uzumaki and Sasuke Uchiha, with faces both red as tomato's, sheer embarrassed terror emblazoned on every inch of their body language as they ran from their clearly-less-than-satisfied girlfriend.

Sakura, still standing in the middle of the street, dusted off her hands, threw her shoulders back, and smiled the smile of the truly self-satisfied.

Kiba looked begrudgingly impressed. "Well, damn. That's one way to do it."

Shino hmmed.


End file.
